The Day I Discovered Why I'm Here

Today I discovered why I am here.

I know that God put me here in Panama, in Pesé, in the schools I’m working in, and living with the host family I'm with for a reason. Probably many reasons – some concerning myself, and some concerning others. Some of these reasons I’m sure I’ll never know. Many I’ll uncover through lessons that I will learn and things that I will discover about myself. And, hopefully, I’ll be able to see some of those reasons regarding how my presence here affects others.

Recently I’ve been struggling a little bit with this last part - why I am here, what I am doing, and if I am making (or going to make) an impact. As many of you know, I have a strong interest in community development, which is a big part of why I joined the Peace Corps. While community development, of course, includes education, my life goal has never been to be a teacher. I would love to work on a more holistic level, or perhaps focus more on small business or microeconomics (also, for those of you who know, that’s not necessarily my background… so we’ll see where I end up). But being placed in a large town (for a PCV that is) and in two large schools with students from pre-school through 12^th grade has limited my chances to do projects outside of the schools, and I’ve been struggling some with that fact.

On the other hand, I am lucky that I have so many teachers that want to work with me, that I have had a warm welcome, that I have already made a little bit of progress with at least one of the teachers, and that I am (for the most part) enjoying my work. But sometimes I still doubt what kind of impact I really am making and I wish that I were also able to be able to devote some time to work outside of the schools instead of coming home tired and still having to prepare for the next day. Additionally, the past week or so I’ve realized that I’ve been holing myself up in my room some because of this – I feel tired, I don’t want to make much of an effort to walk around and talk to people in Spanish, and I’ve been stressed about school.

So that brings us to today.

It was already a relaxed day because it was the last day of school for the first trimester. That means that only about half of the students were at school, and those that were there were having parties in their classrooms. The teachers were just hanging around: eating food given to us by the students and talking in the cafeteria. This evolved into some dancing and tamborito – a traditional Panamanian form of singing with a couple of drums keeping the beat. So I was having a good time, just relaxing. Then after school about 12 of the teachers and I went into Chitre to have a nice, celebratory lunch, which was great to socialize and bond with the other teachers. I felt a real cohesion among the teachers, which was wonderful. Then I came home and just got to relax for the afternoon.

Somewhere in there is when I realized why I am here. I don’t want to give details about when, where, or who in case someone in Pesé comes across this – so we’ll call her Ana. I have gotten to know Ana a little bit over the past few weeks, but our relationship was still pretty professional. One day last week, I could tell she was really upset, so I gave her a note saying ‘I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m here if you want to talk’. She didn’t, so I just gave her a hug and went about my day.

Then today we were alone and working on something and we got to talking. She ended up telling me things about her life that she said she has only told one other person – her doctor.

Ana has had a tough life. Physical (and probably emotional) abuse when she was very young, betrayal by her mother, father, and ex-husband (of varying degrees and situations), and now she has two young children and is in a stressful living situation. She has a job, but is afraid that it might not be permanent, so she feels trapped where she is living since she needs to give her children some stability. To top it all off, Ana has never had a friend to whom she can tell any of this.

But she told me.

As I was explaining above – the knowledge that I am doing some good doesn’t necessarily mean that I feel it in my heart, which is why I’ve struggled some with my assignment. This is similar to my knowledge that I have certain skills and talents: that sometimes I feel like I’m just scraping by and I’m not actually that talented or smart (whether it is true or not). One thing I do like to think that I am kind of good at is being a friend. Of course, I make mistakes. I have hurt people and let people down. But I really try my best to be there for people, no matter what it takes.

This is why I am here: to be a friend to Ana.

I have been incredibly blessed in my life with 5 girls from my high school that I consider my best friends, my neighbor who I consider my sister, the best college roommate I could have asked for, and a number of other people from college who I immensely value as close friends - and that's just the start. These people are the most important people in my life aside from my parents. The amazing experiences I’ve had would not have been the same without them. The times I have laughed so hard that I cried would not have been the same without them. The times I’ve cried so hard I couldn’t breath, I wouldn’t have gotten through without them.

And to think – Ana never had this. This is where I come in. I think this is why God placed me here.

Ana has just recently sought medical help to deal with all of her emotional scars that these events have given her, and her primary doctor referred her to a psychiatrist, so she is going to have to go and tell her whole story to someone – a stranger. I have never been a big fan of psychiatrists or psychologists personally, but I whole-heartedly support people going to them. Their professional counseling has significantly helped many people in my life. When Ana told me this, and that she was scared because I’m only the second person that she has told any of this to, my heart went out to her. I offered to go with her. Before she responded, and before I could even finish getting out my offer in my broken Spanish, I was already wondering whether I should have offered at all. I thought either she would grab hold of my offer or start to pull away because she didn’t want to get that close. She grabbed hold.

She said yes, she’s terrified to go talk to someone, but knows she needs to get some help. And that it would help if I came. I’m going to have to do some talking to PC because I think her appointment is during a meeting that I have. But I feel sick thinking about letting her down and not going. Everyone in her life has betrayed her. I am not going to if I can do anything in my power to avoid it. She needs a true friend and I think I can be that. True, I will probably only be here for two years. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be there for her while I am here or that I can’t keep in touch later on. And I know I’m not going to “fix” her life or her emotional issues. But I hope that I can be someone in her life who doesn’t betray her, who is actually there for her and can love on her; To be someone who gives her some joy and trust in humanity again, and to make her feel that she is not alone.

All I can do is pray that God will give me the wisdom and strength to be what she needs and to help me pour into her. I have enough people pouring into me, and all I want to do is give her that same support.  I can imagine some people think I’m getting in over my head (Mom, I’m talking to you), but I can’t imagine doing anything but being there for Ana and being her friend as far as I can be. I really believe that this is (part of) why God led me here and I pray that He continues to lead me down the path he intends for me. While this doesn't change my feelings towards the actual work I'm doing, it makes me realize that I'm here for a bigger purpose and that all good things come with time. 

I promise I’ll give some updates about teaching over the next week, since we don’t have school, but I had to share this for today. I hope everyone has a good weekend!

More Weekend Adventures: A Rodeo and a Cumpleaño

So Luis and Lupe invited me to go back to their grandparents' finca, this time for a whole weekend because there was going to be a bull-riding and a fiesta at night. It was definitely an interesting cultural experience - I learned how Panamanians do local bull riding, I learned how to dance tipico, and I was the token gringa at the fiesta - for all of the good and bad that the label brings. But it was a fun weekend. here are some photos:

Here come some of the bulls!

Bull Riding - they also rode the backwards (basically laying on the bull's neck with their head on the animal's back, feet around it's neck) - it was pretty entertaining and thankfully not as intense as I was anticipating, so I only got really scared for a rider once or twice. 

Lupe and Luis, the brother & sister who invited me. And yes, I have crazy blue make-up on. Lupe's cousin did it and I didn't have a good mirror haha

The first night there were about 75 people there, I would guess and it was a "discoteca" meaning that it was a DJ, but it was still mostly tipico music. Luis taught me how to dance the tipico Panamanian dance. Then the next night, a lot more people came - probably close to 200 - and that was when I really felt like the token white person. I've felt the stares before, and been called "gringa", and been told my eyes are really pretty, but this was different. One man told me that my eyes just weren't for looking at anything. I responded with - they are for looking at whatever I want. 

Also, that night there was a cantadera - which is a typical panamanian style of singing that is pitchy and culturally-themed - which was really interesting to hear. Then there was a tipico band - guitars, drums and singing. This was when I really became the focus of the party. Luis and I danced once, and then I could hardly sit down without being asked to dance by someone else. And hey - I like dancing, so I really didn't have a reason to say no. I danced with guys who were probably 20 all the way up to men who were probably 50+. It wasn't until it was 1 am, I had been dancing since 9 (almost straight), and I was starting to get creeped out by a few of the men, that I finally decided to go home. Lupe walked me back to the house, but she was going to stay to the end. They sure do know how to party! Overall, it was fun, and I was glad that they invited me.

The next weekend I went into Chitre to go to the Gran Azuero Féria Internacional! It was a pretty big affair with dog shows, cattle shows, cattle you could walk around and see, a lot of plants, rides, artisans selling things, and food vendors. Pretty interesting! I ended up buying a hammock!! Which I'm super siked about. For my birthday gift to myself, I bought some rope and hung it up at the house :) Then Sunday, Steve and Heather invited me up to Chepo again! Their host family is so sweet. It was a weekend similar to the last one (so I didn't take too many photos). We went to the river/swimming hole on Sunday right when I got there. Good thing we went when we did b/c it rained a TON later that afternoon, which made it almost cold! I actually had to borrow a fleece for the evening, which was nice. We just hung out, did a crossword, helped make dinner, and watched a movie. Monday (we didn't have school - an ex-president died) we walked down the road for about an hour and a half, then back - so I got my exercise in! But it was another relaxing weekend up there.

The next weekend was.... my 23rd birthday! It was actually a pretty momentous weekend; the 11th marked 4 months in-country, the 12th was my 23rd birthday, and the 13th was a year-to-date that I graduated college. Where does the time go? Suffice it to say, it definitely got me thinking about a lot of things and missing friends and Vandy. But I had some great PCV friends here who made my birthday special!

The lovely PCVs who came and visited me on my birthday!

Tempest, Miranda, Heather, Steve, Lindsey, and Graycie. It was so nice of them to come. They brought me some lovely surprises including a birthday hat (see below), a bag of mixed chocolates (Snickers, Twix, Milky Way etc), some Ferraro Rocher chocolates, and mango salsa! It was all delicious. I also made some guacamole for us to munch on for the afternoon.

Bruni and our neighbors and some other friends gave me a party that night too - Bruni cooked arroz con pollo, potato salad, meatballs - typical panamanian birthday fare, but it was all very good. And then we went next door and they surprised me with this big cake! It was great and very sweet - but can you see how they spelled my name? My name isn't understood very well here haha. But I was just appreciative for the thought! Several other people stopped by throughout the day and gave me a few gifts - a mug, some lotion/candy, 2 bottles of wine. It made me feel like I'm really integrating here! People actually do like me :)

Then one of the better surprises - I got 2 packages! One from my mom and another from one of my best friends, Liz. all of the baking stuff, and 2 of the cards are from my parents, and the candy/book etc on the left and 4 cards are from Liz. It definitely made my day!!

But if I'm being honest, the best part of my birthday was when I went to school the following Monday. Kids apparently found out that it was my birthday, and when I walked up to the teachers, they all sang Happy Birthday to me and all of the kids in the area ran up to me and gave me hugs! Then one of the other English teachers gave me a gift of body wash and candy. Throughout the day tons of kids gave me hugs and wished me happy birthday. One class even pulled me in their classroom spur-of-the-moment and sang happy birthday to me :) It was really sweet. 

I'll post in the next day or two about the last few weeks of teaching. But I wanted to get these up first!

Besos de Panama and thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday from abroad!

Weekend Adventure #2: Chepo

So two weeks ago (weekend of April 21-22) I went up to the mountains to Chepo de Las Minas to visit Steve and Heather, two other Group 70 volunteers. Their host family graciously let me stay in an extra bedroom where another teacher at their school normally stays during the week. After an ant incident with the bed I was supposed to stay in, I was SUPER comfortable there - they are some of the sweetest and most loving people I have met so far down here! And Chepo is GORGEOUS. I was planning on only staying one night, but I decided to stay two.

Here are some photos from the weekend:

First up on Friday, after an incredible ride up there (aka 27 people piled into a pick-up truck. That's right. I said 27 people. You figure it out.) we went to their near-by swimming hole! it is plenty deep, so you can jump off of the rock or log into the water (I didn't go any higher than halfway across the log... I'm a 'fraidy cat and proud of it.)

GORGEOUS views from everywhere. This is from their house.

The view out my window. PINES! I felt like I was back in the mountains of North Carolina. The first morning I was there, I stereotypically woke up, threw open my shutters and stretched as I looked out and took in the view. It was fabulous.

We did plenty of hiking! This is a really interesting rock that is from the native people that lived here hundreds of years ago. They carved it, but no one knows what it is or why they carved it - pretty neat!

Almost at the summit with Heather! Aldo del Higo - 987 m

Gorgeous views. you could also see the ocean in the distance, though the photos didn't do it justice.

Saturday evening we stopped by anther house in Chepo who was preparing a lot of food for the next day to celebrate a new priest's first mass. These two women are cutting up palm leaves to make tamales.

Who knew? Sledding exists in Panama. Only it is on grassy hills with palm leaves instead of on snow with plastic sleds. Still super fun!

And then there was a rainbow that we could see both ends of. More and more firsts for me! I couldn't get a wide enough view with my camera, but it was gorgeous!

Odelia, their host mom makes cakes (because transporting a cake for a party up from Chitre in a pick-up with 26 other people is all but impossible, so she has her own little cottage industry) and we helped her make a coconut cake! Unfortunately, it didn't turn out so well so she had to make another one, but that just meant we got to eat the "ugly" one, and it still tasted delicious! Above is Steve grating the coconut. Below is Odelia decorating the finished product!

We walked to the other end of town and up another small mountain. Can you see the ocean in the distance? It's the strip of slightly lighter blue in between the two darker land masses. 

 Sunday night I (reluctantly) came home to Pesé, but was greeted by another gorgeous sunset!

Hard to beat this weekend! I plan to be a regular guest up in Chepo :) Get your guest room and guest hammock ready Steve & Heather!!

Weekend Adventures #1: La Criolla

So to recap my weekend adventures the past few weeks, I'll start with my trip to a finca (farm) of one of my students. Well, really, two. Luis is 13 years old and has somewhat befriended me and he invited me to go with him, his sister Lupe (really Guadalupe - age 17), and their dad to his grandparents' finca for a day. It was a lot of fun - we left about 9 in their dad's car (which was a little bit old, as in I could see the ground through the passenger's side floor...) - and made the 25 min trip.

When we got there, Luis showed me around. They have chickens, pigs, horses, and of course a molienda (mill) for juicing the sugar cane and making miel de caña (sugar cane honey)!

Horse & foal!

Molienda (mill for juicing sugar cane) & Fatima

Piglets! We ate plenty of pork...

PUPPY!!!

I got some good hammock time looking out at the countryside

We went horseback riding!! That's Luis.

My horse!

Luis' dad stirring the sugar cane juice (guarapo) that's being boiled down into honey.

Me stirring the honey!

Fatima - Luis' adorable and personality-laden 5 year old cousin

They have guinea fowl!!

Me & some oxen. nbd.

Oh yea. Then I rode in a covered wagon. Basically I'm on the Oregon Trail.

We went to a river - La Ciruelita - in the wagon.

It was gorgeous!

Tiny road on the way home. Had some interesting bumps along the way, but we made it!

Luis' grandparents - they are super super sweet and hard-working!

 It was a day full of animals, horseback riding, sugar cane honey, raspadura (basically hardened sugar can honey with some coconut - SUPER SWEET), swimming in the river, and plenty of panamanian food (rice, chicken soup, and pork, mainly). It was great to get to know another panamanian family!

Finally, Easter Photos

Here are a few photos from the Easter celebrations here in Pesé:

 Dia de San José - Patron Saint of Pesé

This was the float during the parade around town at night after the mass.

 

 Statue of Jesus in the church

 The church on Palm Sunday

Jesus on the "donkey" heading to Jerusalem

Palm Sunday events - parading through the streets - note the flowers strewn about on the road

 
[Side-note: The Last Supper reenactment got rained out - the first real rain I saw here, which lasted practically all day on Thursday. Oh well, I have next year.]

 The angel appearing to Jesus on the Mount of Olives

 

Judas kissing Jesus right before he was arrested

Walking through the streets with the roman soldiers

Jesus vs. Barnabas - and the crowd wanted Barnabas free... 

Really? The funny looking guy with the fro vs. the guy in white? haha

Then they took Jesus behind the set and "beat" him, and he came out looking all bloody - then they put the crown of thorns on him. 

 

 The other criminals walking through the streets to be crucified.

 Jesus carrying his cross to be crucified, and being whipped as he went.

Jesus on the cross - this was pretty powerful for me as
I've never seen the Passion of the Christ or anything-
I was a little far away for my camera to get a really good shot,
but it really looked like he was nailed up there (though obviously he wasn't,
and they were standing on something), though the other two criminals were clearly tied

 Jesus and the two criminals surrounded by the soldiers and Mary

"My God, into Thy hands I commit my spirit."

Taking Jesus off of the cross

I wanted to get a photo of the 3 crosses alone, but my camera died. 

But it was beautiful with the white cloth.

Happy Easter! Jesus is risen! The float to be paraded around town on Easter Sunday. 

I actually helped push the one with the Virgin Mary (though I didn't get a good photo of it)

Easter here was definitely a new experience and really showed what Jesus went through in the days leading up to his crucifixion. Even with this fact, it seems to me that a lot of people here say they are Catholic, but don't really practice. It's not quite as extreme as it is in Europe, but it doesn't seem to me to be a true living-of-the-faith type culture, even though references to God and Catholicism are ever-present in Panamanian life. But either way, it's a good reminder of our Maker!