The Day I Discovered Why I'm Here

Today I discovered why I am here.

I know that God put me here in Panama, in Pesé, in the schools I’m working in, and living with the host family I'm with for a reason. Probably many reasons – some concerning myself, and some concerning others. Some of these reasons I’m sure I’ll never know. Many I’ll uncover through lessons that I will learn and things that I will discover about myself. And, hopefully, I’ll be able to see some of those reasons regarding how my presence here affects others.

Recently I’ve been struggling a little bit with this last part - why I am here, what I am doing, and if I am making (or going to make) an impact. As many of you know, I have a strong interest in community development, which is a big part of why I joined the Peace Corps. While community development, of course, includes education, my life goal has never been to be a teacher. I would love to work on a more holistic level, or perhaps focus more on small business or microeconomics (also, for those of you who know, that’s not necessarily my background… so we’ll see where I end up). But being placed in a large town (for a PCV that is) and in two large schools with students from pre-school through 12^th grade has limited my chances to do projects outside of the schools, and I’ve been struggling some with that fact.

On the other hand, I am lucky that I have so many teachers that want to work with me, that I have had a warm welcome, that I have already made a little bit of progress with at least one of the teachers, and that I am (for the most part) enjoying my work. But sometimes I still doubt what kind of impact I really am making and I wish that I were also able to be able to devote some time to work outside of the schools instead of coming home tired and still having to prepare for the next day. Additionally, the past week or so I’ve realized that I’ve been holing myself up in my room some because of this – I feel tired, I don’t want to make much of an effort to walk around and talk to people in Spanish, and I’ve been stressed about school.

So that brings us to today.

It was already a relaxed day because it was the last day of school for the first trimester. That means that only about half of the students were at school, and those that were there were having parties in their classrooms. The teachers were just hanging around: eating food given to us by the students and talking in the cafeteria. This evolved into some dancing and tamborito – a traditional Panamanian form of singing with a couple of drums keeping the beat. So I was having a good time, just relaxing. Then after school about 12 of the teachers and I went into Chitre to have a nice, celebratory lunch, which was great to socialize and bond with the other teachers. I felt a real cohesion among the teachers, which was wonderful. Then I came home and just got to relax for the afternoon.

Somewhere in there is when I realized why I am here. I don’t want to give details about when, where, or who in case someone in Pesé comes across this – so we’ll call her Ana. I have gotten to know Ana a little bit over the past few weeks, but our relationship was still pretty professional. One day last week, I could tell she was really upset, so I gave her a note saying ‘I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m here if you want to talk’. She didn’t, so I just gave her a hug and went about my day.

Then today we were alone and working on something and we got to talking. She ended up telling me things about her life that she said she has only told one other person – her doctor.

Ana has had a tough life. Physical (and probably emotional) abuse when she was very young, betrayal by her mother, father, and ex-husband (of varying degrees and situations), and now she has two young children and is in a stressful living situation. She has a job, but is afraid that it might not be permanent, so she feels trapped where she is living since she needs to give her children some stability. To top it all off, Ana has never had a friend to whom she can tell any of this.

But she told me.

As I was explaining above – the knowledge that I am doing some good doesn’t necessarily mean that I feel it in my heart, which is why I’ve struggled some with my assignment. This is similar to my knowledge that I have certain skills and talents: that sometimes I feel like I’m just scraping by and I’m not actually that talented or smart (whether it is true or not). One thing I do like to think that I am kind of good at is being a friend. Of course, I make mistakes. I have hurt people and let people down. But I really try my best to be there for people, no matter what it takes.

This is why I am here: to be a friend to Ana.

I have been incredibly blessed in my life with 5 girls from my high school that I consider my best friends, my neighbor who I consider my sister, the best college roommate I could have asked for, and a number of other people from college who I immensely value as close friends - and that's just the start. These people are the most important people in my life aside from my parents. The amazing experiences I’ve had would not have been the same without them. The times I have laughed so hard that I cried would not have been the same without them. The times I’ve cried so hard I couldn’t breath, I wouldn’t have gotten through without them.

And to think – Ana never had this. This is where I come in. I think this is why God placed me here.

Ana has just recently sought medical help to deal with all of her emotional scars that these events have given her, and her primary doctor referred her to a psychiatrist, so she is going to have to go and tell her whole story to someone – a stranger. I have never been a big fan of psychiatrists or psychologists personally, but I whole-heartedly support people going to them. Their professional counseling has significantly helped many people in my life. When Ana told me this, and that she was scared because I’m only the second person that she has told any of this to, my heart went out to her. I offered to go with her. Before she responded, and before I could even finish getting out my offer in my broken Spanish, I was already wondering whether I should have offered at all. I thought either she would grab hold of my offer or start to pull away because she didn’t want to get that close. She grabbed hold.

She said yes, she’s terrified to go talk to someone, but knows she needs to get some help. And that it would help if I came. I’m going to have to do some talking to PC because I think her appointment is during a meeting that I have. But I feel sick thinking about letting her down and not going. Everyone in her life has betrayed her. I am not going to if I can do anything in my power to avoid it. She needs a true friend and I think I can be that. True, I will probably only be here for two years. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be there for her while I am here or that I can’t keep in touch later on. And I know I’m not going to “fix” her life or her emotional issues. But I hope that I can be someone in her life who doesn’t betray her, who is actually there for her and can love on her; To be someone who gives her some joy and trust in humanity again, and to make her feel that she is not alone.

All I can do is pray that God will give me the wisdom and strength to be what she needs and to help me pour into her. I have enough people pouring into me, and all I want to do is give her that same support.  I can imagine some people think I’m getting in over my head (Mom, I’m talking to you), but I can’t imagine doing anything but being there for Ana and being her friend as far as I can be. I really believe that this is (part of) why God led me here and I pray that He continues to lead me down the path he intends for me. While this doesn't change my feelings towards the actual work I'm doing, it makes me realize that I'm here for a bigger purpose and that all good things come with time. 

I promise I’ll give some updates about teaching over the next week, since we don’t have school, but I had to share this for today. I hope everyone has a good weekend!